priorities will have to rearrange . . .

The stake executive secretary called to set an appt this morning for me to meet with one of the counselors to be released ~ early ~ from my Family History mission. Not a surprise, I actually informed the powers that be that I could not serve and be my mom's caregiver, but sad nevertheless. In less than an hour my only "calling" will be the 24/7 caregiver for someone who used to be my mom but grows less familiar every day.

I love my mom, I try to be patient in the face of an ever fading memory, it is Hard. Ddonn and I discussed last night that it is very similar to dealing with a very young child, the difference being -for me- that the hours I spent with very young children, were laying a foundation for future learning and growth. These hours seem meaningless. She remembers less and less each week. I believe I am providing her with more freedom than a care facility would allow her - she helps with dishes, cooking and cleaning at her whim (cooking with one on one supervision), she has the ability to wander out in the middle of the night and have a snack or make tea or cocoa, she is in a home where she is still 'responsible' and a decision maker.

Her "I am drawing a blank" is heard on an increasing basis. Last night it was in re: where do we keep the sugar. Yesterday was a bad day - Where do the pan lids go? Where is my hairbrush? Where is my blow dryer? None of these items was lost, she couldn't remember where they were kept. She was reading the dial on the washer to set the time for the dryer. It has to be more frustrating from the inside than I can imagine. I know it is getting to her when she becomes short and angry in her comments but I cannot help her remember. When you don't know how someone's mind is working (or shorting out) you can't 'help' fill in the blanks. But I am here so she believes I should be able to.

When she came out after scriptures and prayers last night, with her checkbook saying we needed to call the bank, I pulled up the online account. 90 minutes later I logged off. I slept with one less blanket because mine was full of pins holding on edging I was going to sew on before going to bed. I was warm enuf, just exhausted. Just like when I had 3 babies in 3 years and 2 months.

~ I was younger then...~